I'm Tara... Welcome To My World!
It started in the 70’s, but, for the sake of this blog and this community, my TRUE story started one morning in late September, 2020, when my beautiful husband, Darcy, headed out to run a quick errand and never came home. For reals. If you can’t believe that I am typing those words right now, well…neither can I.
It isn’t something I could ever have imagined in my wildest nightmares…it is the stuff that movies are made of. But it actually happened. To me. And now here I am, truly amazed that a human can possibly live through an event like this. It is unthinkable.
On that day in September, everything changed and the learning curve has been steep, friends. I have had to share the news of their beloved Dad’s presumed death with my two kids. I have had to tackle endless amounts of unfinished banking and paperwork. I am having to learn how to do everything that Darcy managed in our busy family life. Broken furnaces, car issues, tech support, the stock market, and waffles! (Seriously, who ever had the time to make and clean up from waffles?) The kids and I have had to navigate two birthdays, Halloween, Christmas, a broken little foot, and a deep dark heavy sadness that, at times, feels unbearable.
When this devastation occurred, I was in the midst of a pretty solid personal growth spurt. I had started a successful business. I had chosen sobriety about 18 months earlier. I was in the process of becoming an EFT Tapping practitioner and I had fallen into a community of like-minded women who were also committed to living a meaningful life that was rooted in service and inspired action.
In short, I was on my way to becoming a much better version of myself.
And then THIS happened. WTAF? Just when I thought I knew where my life was headed. Just when I thought I knew who was taking the trash out that night. Just when I thought I knew who I was going to grow old with. Just when I thought I knew what tomorrow would bring.
And now…all I know is…I don’t know.
And guess what?! None of us do. If the death of a life partner (or this global response to a new virus!) can teach us anything it is this... The only thing that is certain is uncertainty.
All of us will experience loss.
The good news is that we are united in this uncertainty and our very common human experience of loss. Maybe we don’t know what will happen tomorrow but we can always choose to illuminate our daily experience by leaning toward that commonality. After all, what’s the alternative?
So, even though I have very frequent moments of traditional-looking grief - collapsing on the floor in tears of disbelief and often barely make it to the steering wheel before I sob my heart out after dropping the kids at school - my spirit seems to keep coming back to light. My heart still wants to stay lit up. I still have sparkle in my eyes. I still have the desire to be wholeheartedly alive. I would even go so far to say that this extraordinary experience is already teaching me how to live more fully. After all, when you are cracked wide open (and keep that broken heart open to possibility!) you really have the opportunity to think about just how you intend to come back together.
That dark scene that changed everything and cast a shadow over my entire life has forced me to become keenly aware of even the tiniest little spark of light and that awareness is helping to illuminate every corner of my world. It is a gift that is allowing me to see how I really want to show up as I move forward. Who I want to be. How I want to be of service.
I am choosing to let all that light in.
It’s hard to explain but it’s like my soul is whispering to me “you already lost him…don’t lose you, too”.
SO…you might be wondering why I have landed here, with you. The answer is simple.
I am selfish.
I have been a lover of the language arts for my whole life. I am a devoted journaler and an old-school letter-writer and one of the best ways I have found to process my big emotions and transmute my fears into love is through writing, connecting and sharing.
There are no blessings in the fact that my favourite person is gone nor is it a gift that my kids have lost the most incredible Dad. To be honest, I am pretty pissed off about all that.
There are, however, a million blessings in this human experience of loss and I intend to find them all.
And I intend to share some here with you.
I am ready to heal and I felt called to support myself and others by sharing my thoughts, in real time, as I wade through this muck of loss and grief. I am looking for the light in every moment and it is helping me survive this. It is helping me thrive in this.
So, In the interest of my own healing, this project is born.
I have always overcome adversity by openly sharing my stories with others, offering support, keeping an open heart and getting creative.
So, here I am. Thank you for being here with me. I always feel lighter when I know I am not alone.