The Sweetest Thing
“…a blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl…the sweetest thing…”
- U2 1987
When two of my favourite people in the world married each other, we sang them down the aisle to this simple but perfect song. There was a moment for me when the words wouldn’t come out…caught in my throat (as usual…my damn throat chakra has been holding me back from speaking my truth - and singing - for years!) and it was in that very moment of intense emotion that I first understood that there are no coincidences. I felt it in my bones. You guys, these two favourite people of mine, were already favourite people of mine YEARS BEFORE they even met each other. No joke. And now here they were, committing to a lifetime of love and partnership with each other. I didn’t even introduce them and now, somehow, here they were, looking fabulous on the banks of Lake Ontario, saying “I do” because the universe had conspired to create some awesomeness. And I got to watch, and sing along and celebrate with them on that day. What a gift. What a miracle. That kind of greatness could not be a coincidence. No way.
I have given a lot of thought to the idea of coincidence since Darcy died and my grief adventure began. For one hot minute, I gave up on my long standing belief that there are “no coincidences” and decided it was all just chaos. I needed to do that to help my heart in those early days. I needed to feel like it was completely random. The idea that there may be a higher purpose for Darcy dying so young made me feel guilty and sick and duped by the universe. Like I somehow deserved to lose him or I should have known this was coming. How stupid of me to fall in love with this wonderful human, have babies with him and believe we would be together for a long happy life! Right?? How stupid of me NOT to get the passwords to his bank accounts and the myriad of things I haven’t been able to access since his untimely exit! Right?? (No really. Stop reading for a second and go get those passwords. It’s the smart thing to do!) I spent some time putting it all down to bad luck.
After sitting with this idea for a bit, I realized that feeling unlucky and disappointed in the universe didn’t really jive with my heart either. It didn’t feel ANY better to me. I preferred the feeling I had on that July day in Toronto when I watched two of my best friends, brought together by a miracle, getting married. So, I circled back pretty quickly to the realization that I personally believe that things occur for reasons beyond our initial understanding to help us learn lessons, find deeper purpose or repeat patterns until we heal. I believe that. I am not saying anyone else has to share my beliefs but it has shaped my journey through grief and it’s the reason why I believe we can all be finding some light in situations of loss and pain.
You might be wondering how could I possibly find the meaning, lessons and beauty in losing my husband so early in our life together. And rightly so. At first, I wasn’t sure I could, but whenever I felt doubtful, I’d come back to my faith in the universe – my belief that in every moment it is conspiring to deliver beauty and miracles – and I’d decide to just keep my bleeding heart open and receive whatever goodness came my way. Although I could not imagine how I would ever recover from this tragedy, I decided to intentionally focus on healing through the discovery of miracles and watching the universe conspire. If ever there was a time to gather evidence in defence of my belief in “no coincidences” now was the time.
It started with the little things. The small wins. My children breathing and little wounds healing. Crocuses blossoming in the dead of winter as a reminder that spring will eventually arrive. The universe was making manifest these tiny triumphs in every moment and so I started trying to stay aware of these ordinary miracles and steer my energy away from the harder parts that were out of my control. After all, what we focus on, expands!
It expanded to an appreciation of the loving messages that were pouring our way and the good energy that came with every click on the “donate” button of the ‘Go Fund Me’ campaign that raised about 60k in two days to support the search efforts for Darcy. It wasn’t about the money. It was about the intention and goodness behind every click. That is just magical energy pouring into the ethers, friends! I could feel it in my unity meditations as powerful women from all parts of my life (and many strangers, too) sat in virtual circles with the intention to bring light to Darcy and I and our kids. And it worked. I felt that light and love and all the high vibrations. I hope he did too. I could feel the universe conspiring to bring more love into the world as a result of this tragedy.
The truth is, the present moment is ALL we have – it is all that is real and all we can rely on - and I am watching in amazement as the universe fills each moment with so much light. How can I deny that things unfold the way they are meant to? Who am I to deny that there is goodness ahead for all of us, despite life’s tragedies? Things didn’t pan out the way I had hoped for my family and we miss Darcy like crazy, but we still feel magic and miracles in every day. The world is suffering hugely as a result of this Covid-19 virus, but at the same time there has been a healthy reboot for the environment and a break from the crazy lifestyles that were driving humans to unnecessary depression and illness. We get to choose how we view these things. We can acknowledge the hard parts and still choose love. I have made that my truth. Call me crazy but it’s serving me, my kids and everyone who loves us and wants to see us healthy and happy.
Finding some kind of light in these seasons of darkness is not a superpower. We can all do it. It is a choice. It takes some faith. It takes perseverance. We need some guidance at times. A warm hand that reaches out to soothe us in the scariest spaces and pulls us up from the slippery slopes. Mostly, it requires gratitude, an open heart and a willingness to look for the miracles that occur at every turn. From the symmetry of a blooming flower to my favourite friends - the perfect couple - somehow finding each other and uniting in marriage on that sunny summer day, the evidence of miracles is everywhere. And the rewards for having faith are proving to be abundant.
Maybe the reward is never going to be a return to the way things were, for any of us, but there is beauty and love and adventure on the horizon. Moment by moment, trusting the universe, I know it’s coming.
My mantra. My open heart is grateful for all that WAS, all that IS and all that WILL BE.
Til Next Time,
Heal and Be Healed.